2016, and with it come changes.

I (almost) forgot that I had this blog.  Oops.  Oh well, though -- at least it's still here and I'm still here!

The last time I posted was at the beginning of November last year.  In that post, I mentioned several things that had recently occurred -- I'd adopted a bird, I'd applied for a new job, and I was planning on doing NaNoWriMo.

Well, two of those things happened, and one did not.  If I weren't living my life (and therefore, if I didn't already know the answer), I would've guessed that I still had my bird and that I'd completed NaNoWriMo, but didn't get the job.

Nope!  I dropped NaNo about halfway through November, because I was just too busy.  I got the job, and started it officially at the end of November.  And my bird is still living here, happy and crazy and hilarious.

So -- the new job.  I'm now working as a family therapist in a team-based therapeutic approach.  I really like it.  I've settled into it better, I think, than I did with my first job at this agency.  I work well with my partner, I love the team-based approach, I love the fact that it has 12 times the amount of supervision as my last job did (this one is 3 hours of supervision per week, split between team and group supervision -- last job was one hour a month).  And I love working with the entire family instead of just one child in the family -- it makes so much more sense to me because so many problems/difficulties that are affecting kids originate within the family system.  So tackling the entire family system and working on negating the maladaptive interactional pattern that exists there (that allows the problem to continue to occur) makes a lot of sense to me, and I'm actually seeing the effect that we're having, which is super cool.

I also signed up for my licensure exam (to get my LSW -- Licensed Social Worker), which I will be taking this month.  I'm anxious, but confident at the same time.  I know some wonderful social workers who passed it the first time, but I also know some wonderful social workers who didn't pass the first time.  If I don't pass it the first attempt, yeah, I'm going to be frustrated, but at least I'll know it's not because I'm stupid, etc.  So yay for that.

Life has been very hectic here but all in all it's going well.  There is a comfort in the routine of knowing what I need to do for work, what days I'm working, and where I'll be going.  Granted, there will always be crises and problems that I couldn't foresee, but I'm beginning to realize that having a job is not what I dislike (hate) about being an adult.  It's everything else that comes with having a job -- keeping up on bills, on car maintenance, on balancing the checkbook... the not-fun things.  Things that I'm pretty sure most people would prefer to just skip doing if it were possible.

It's so weird for me to realize that as of the end of April this year, I'll have been done with school for a year.  Graduated for a year.  And in June, assuming nothing goes wrong, I'll have been working at this agency for a year.  That seems pretty crazy to me! but awesome, too.

Growth.  Changes.  Learning.  Living.  Loving.

Cheers!!
~ A.

Long time, no talk

So, life has been pretty busy lately. I know that that is pretty cliche, but it is so true. Work has been keeping me quite busy and although it is a good busy, I'm still not used to it. I mean, I still love my job, but working and no schoolwork to worry about makes the time just speed by! How is it November already? Soon it'll be Christmas...

So let's see... What notable stuff has happened since I last updated? Well, on labor day weekend, I hurt my knee badly enough that now, eight weeks or so later, it still hasn't fully healed. I've been doing physical therapy two times a week and my mobility has increased from 74% disabled (100% means you're bedbound) when I first started PT, to 23% disabled. A pretty awesome increase!!

I also adopted a bird last weekend. He's 13 years old, but although that sounds old, it actually isn't.   His breed's
lifespan is 50 to 60 years old... so I'm hoping he will be my lifelong featherbutt. And in the meantime, he will be my buddy while making my cat super jealous... He never has wanted my attention as much as he has since my parrot moved in. I say it's a lot like living with two very freakysmart preschoolers!

I've also applied for a new job, which sounds odd since I just expressed my love for my current job. The one I just applied for is in the same agency but a different program -- and it has the potential to go to full-time, whereas my current job doesn't, not really, and if it did I would have to juggle so many different schedules and families. The new job would be part-time and I'd only have four families as part-time, instead of my current 7 families and their respective schedules and school districts and counties. (I'm covering two counties and four different school districts now.) It would also be nice for other reasons... So hopefully I'll get it. But if not, not the end of the world I guess, haha.

Let's see, anything else...? Hmmm... Well, it is November which means National Novel Writing Month! (Aka NaNoWriMo.) 50,000 words, 30 days, 0 excuses. Yay!! Because I was so busy in 2013 and 2014, I didn't take part those years, because of grad school. I "won" in 2011 and 2012, though, so I know I can do it. 2,078 words written for it today so far, so I have a good start.

And a definite hooray for self care!

Living authentically (pt 1).

This is my place to be real.  Actually, it's my job to be real.  And it's something I want to cultivate in my personal life as well.  As a teenager and young adult, I wore so many masks.  Masks so people would think I was okay and not hurting.  Masks so people would look at me and think I had it all together when really, inside, I was falling apart.  Masks that removed me from connection to any community because I felt like I wasn't good enough, so maybe if I looked or acted aloof people wouldn't try to care about me.

I'm done with that now.  Now that I'm in my late 20s, done with school, working, I finally am beginning to understand the importance of being genuine.  Of being my authentic self -- whatever that may be, wherever that may be, and with whomever that may be.  Of course -- I don't mean that in honoring my authenticity I'll ignore social norms.  What I do mean is: no more masks.

Sometimes, I'll need to compartmentalize.  For example, if I'm at a conference for work and I get triggered, of course I can't go around telling everyone that I'm triggered.  I also shouldn't try to "cope" with triggers in the past by self-harming, even if it's something that most people would overlook, like digging my nails into my skin.  Social workers -- in general -- are folks who are nothing if not observant.

But compartmentalizing and reminding myself that although I may be triggered at that moment, I have to hold it together -- to me, that's a little different from wearing a mask.  I suppose others could argue it's the same since I am wearing the "mask" of "I'm okay."  But the difference would be that if someone came up to me and asked me, "Are you okay?" I would probably not immediately blurt out, "Yes of course I'm okay!" -- but nor would I immediately blurt out all of my problems and then some.

This authentic life is something that is not a new concept to me -- but it's a new concept I'm beginning to embrace.  So far, these are the statements that I've noticed I live by (or want to live by):

1. I am where I am in my life, and that's okay.
2. I am going to keep moving forward, keep growing, keep learning, and that's okay.
3. Things don't always work out.  I'll feel disappointed, angry, maybe depressed.  And that's okay.
4. I can deal with triggers now.  I don't feel as though I need attention from anyone to deal with them; in fact, I want the opposite.  I cope better if I feel like people -- especially from work -- aren't watching me.
5. Uncomfortable feelings happen.  They just do.  It's a part of life -- an uncomfortable, icky part, but a part that passes in time.
6. I can sit with my feelings -- if that's what I feel like I need to do -- or I can use movement to get my feelings to move through me.
7. There's no need to feel self-conscious.  Okay, so what if other people look at me funny for skipping down a sidewalk, for playing catch in a park with my husband, for singing at full volume in the car with my earbuds in?  They don't know me, and if they judge me as being "weird" or "strange" -- then that's their loss.  I'm not the most awesome person ever, but I think I'm okayish, and if people determine they don't want to know me just because I'm quirky, then that's their loss.
8. If I'm upset by feeling judged, time to revisit points #5 and #6.
9. Life is what you make of it.  It's weird, wacky, awesome, crazy, scary, fun, terrifying, anxiety-provoking, and a whole slew of other adjectives that I could type but don't have at my fingertips right now.  Embrace it.  Embrace all of it.  Even the not-so-fun parts.  Even the parts that make you want to squirm out of your skin.  Why?  Because you'll grow from it.  From all of it.  From the joy, the sadness, the pain, the frustration, the love, the angst, the sorrow, the happiness, the busyness.......... on and on.
10. I am who I am, and as long as I keep an open mind and remain curious, I am okay with myself.

What would you add to a list of statements/tenets that you are living by (or wish to live by)?

A crash course in self-care.

Yes, yes, yes, I thought to myself during the last few weeks of classes, I've heard this lecture of self-care a hundred -- no, probably a few hundred times -- since I decided to go into social work.  Just give it a break already, for the love of God!

Fast-forward about three months, to early July.  I had been working with clients for a few weeks, and had not been making time for myself.  I was exhausted, and cranky, and overall a frustrated wreck.

"Hey," I said to myself, one afternoon while I was driving back from a frustrating session with a client, "I haven't been doing any of that self-care stuff that we talked about in grad school."

I'd love to say that when I realized this, there were cheers all around... or that a triumphant march was playing... or perhaps just a slight POP as a lightbulb blinked on over my head.

But nope.  None of that.

(And honestly, that's okay.  I'd rather not hallucinate if I can avoid it.)

However, when I brought this up to my husband, he told me that I need to start making time for me.  And when I talked with a close friend who also graduated with me and is working in a similar job, she told me the same thing.  As did other people I talked with -- both "in real life" friends and friends online.

So... what have I done since then to take care of myself?

• I journal.  Frequently.  Not on here (obviously), since this is not a journal (duh).
• I write things.  Sometimes on here or other blogs of mine.  Sometimes transcripts for things I want to record.
• I've tried my hand at making videos.  Kinda want to try that some more.
• I've starting making things from scratch (iced tea, pulled pork, and pound cake are the most recent things... so yummy).
• My husband and I have gone on a picnic and after we ate, we played a game of catch.  Having fun -- childlike fun -- is amazing.
• I've been working on some piano pieces that I love and want to improve.
• I try to have coffee dates regularly with people who understand the stressors and frustrations (and joys and privileges) of being a social worker.

I hope to be adding to this list soon.

What about you?  What have you been doing to take care of yourself -- to treat yourself -- lately?

Anger: the struggle is real.

I've been busy lately -- so I really haven't had the chance to post in here.  I've started a job as a therapist at the same agency where I interned for the last 7 months of grad school, and although I feel like I have a slight step up from the new hires who haven't interned there, I still have so much to learn (mostly about paperwork and related deadlines).  Anyway.

So today's topic: anger.  I've been struggling a lot with anger lately, and I figured -- why not write about it?  I know it's something that a lot of people struggle with.  In our society, anger is viewed as "bad," as "unsafe," as "destructive."  Although I was brought up to believe in those things -- especially the first statement, that anger is bad -- I'm actively working to teach myself that it is okay to be angry.  That sometimes anger can even be justified.  And even when it's not the "right" or "best" response, that doesn't mean it's automatically a bad thing.

For me, when I feel overwhelming emotion, I feel like I need to get it moving.  Emotion literally means "energy in motion" (from the Latin emovere; e- is a variant of ex-, which means "out," and movere means "move").  So it makes total sense to me that strong emotions -- especially if they're not necessarily "happy" emotions -- require movement to dissipate.  For me, the two emotions that require movement in particular are anger -- and anxiety.

So, okay, you hear about people doing things that seem aggressive -- like using a punching bag -- when they're angry.  While that is a good way to get the anger moving (and has worked for me in the past), I have learned that even if my anger is initially directed at someone or something, I need to avoid visualizing harming that someone/something when releasing my anger into that punching bag.  If not, then the anger can turn into rage.  And yes, anger and rage are different.  Rage is what is harmful, destructive, and once it starts it is much harder to stop.

For anger, I haven't yet figured out something that I can do, regularly, that channels it in a safe, non-rageful direction.  I'd love if I had a punching bag to practice the various kicks and punches that I learned in karate years ago.  It would be amazing if I were a runner and had enough stamina to run a mile or two on a treadmill or a track.  I've thought about downloading an audio book and scheduling regular walks/jogs into my life.  Or maybe angry music, since if I listen to something that "promotes" that feeling in my body, it's easier for me to get that emotion moving out of my brain, and out of my body.

I've thought, too, about doing something that requires focus and control.  Things that come to mind are things like the katas that I learned from karate -- specific patterns of stance, movement, breath, and holding your body.  Helping my body remember the ballet I took years ago.  Doing difficult yoga poses (along the lines of Bikram yoga -- physically and mentally challenging).

What are some things that you have done to move anger (or other overwhelming emotions) through your body?  What are some of the emotions that you struggle with the most?  What do they feel like in your body, and what type of motion/movement do you think you need to help that angry energy leave your body?

For me, anger feels like my entire body is filled with a seething ocean of lava.  I don't necessarily physically feel the heat of the lava, but I can feel the anger in my arms, in my chest and heart space, in my back and shoulders.  It feels like I am unable to contain it, and that it will explode out of me -- whether in an appropriate manner of expressing it, such as through physically taxing motion -- or inappropriate, where I may feel like screaming or yelling.  Often I (try to) quash the anger down -- but that just causes tension in my body.  The muscles around my upper back and shoulders take the brunt of it.  Additionally, it taxes my body physically -- often if I am not expressing overwhelming emotions appropriately, then I'll experience flare-ups of autoimmune problems and will be physically unwell for a time until I've managed to calm myself down and destress.

So yes, dealing with anger is going to be an ongoing project of mine.  Feel free to share if you have any suggestions or ideas that you'd like to add!

An alternative to dieting.

I've been thinking about this for some time now.  When I was finishing up grad school this spring, some of my classmates shared with each other that they had "given up" on dieting during school, but since graduation was coming up they were planning to "get back into dieting."

I sat there, listening to them talk, and although I didn't say anything, my brain was going into overdrive with all sorts of thoughts about dieting in general.  As someone who has survived over a decade of having anorexia nervosa -- and who is now mostly better -- I'm so out of touch with the "dieting world" that I can't even fathom what dieting entails (to a "healthy" person).  Because to me, my version of "dieting" is my eating disorder -- cutting out well over half the calories of a healthy dieting intake and going down to some ridiculously low number of calories per day.  I've "lived" that way.  I do not want to return to it.  It was hell on earth.

I've been pondering this for awhile now, and although I know that my body is one that befuddles most people, I think I might be on to something when I say that although we as humans love to think we know all there is about our physiology, I really don't think we even know half of it.  I've lost 30+ pounds (healthily) by... *gasp* ...eating 3 meals a day, not forbidding myself to have any particular type of food, not overexercising (and about 80% of the time, not exercising at all).  The only time in the past year and a half when I've gained weight back has either been when I've skipped meals and/or when I've been extremely stressed.  But then I lose that weight the next week, when I get back on track with eating enough.

In thinking this over, I think the key is moderation.  But the key to understanding what moderation is, is that you have to understand your own body.  You have to know if, when a craving comes up, if that craving is what I call "mouth munchies" (i.e., if you just want to munch and crunch on something and it doesn't really matter what), or if it's because of feeling a certain way (i.e., you're sad and you want to binge on ice cream), or if it's because your body actually needs the food type you're craving.

The first one -- the "mouth munchies" -- usually happen to me at nighttime, right before bed.  Or if I'm watching a movie. (It can also occur as a side effect of a medication, one that is known to increase appetite.) Generally I ignore it and go to bed.  Mouth munchies usually don't last overnight (unless it's a medication-related thing).  If it's still there the next morning (and I know it's not medication-related), I move on to the next step in the process.

What am I feeling?  If I can label it (and sometimes I can't), then I can usually figure out if my craving for chocolate (or fries, or chips, or whatever it may be) is emotionally related.  As a recovered (mostly) anoretic, I generally don't emotionally eat... but there are some times that just call
for comfort food (which is a totally different thing than craving something because of feeling sad).

The third one -- craving something because your body actually needs something in the food you're craving -- is the easiest one for me to figure out.  This spring I was craving fries to an ungodly extent, but although I probably would've eventually given in (since this craving was lasting for days, not going away when I wasn't thinking about it, etc.), I finally figured out that it wasn't the fries I was craving -- it was the salt.  This was discovered by me munching on some pretzels (the crunchy kind that really are rather boring unless you have dip or something for them -- and I didn't).  But in eating them, my mouth/body felt like they were The Best Thing in the World!!... so I knew that I had to have been low on sodium since pretzels rarely taste that good to me.

I know there are so many different fad diets out there right now -- the Atkins diet, the Weight Watchers diet, the Paleo diet, the Caveman diet, the Grapefruit diet, on and on and on... and on... and on...  The dieting industry has become just that -- an industry -- by making us as people feel so horrible about an extra scrap of fat there or a little bit of fat here that we'll do almost anything, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, to lose weight and try to become picture perfect.

So here is my challenge.  If you're the type who wants to lose weight -- or perhaps like me, someone who needs to lose weight because of health reasons -- this is what I want you to do.

Learn about your body.  Learn what it needs, what it likes, what it dislikes.  I'm not talking about how food tastes to you; I'm talking about how your body responds to food.  Do you feel heavy and sluggish after eating a lot of carbs, even though they taste wonderful?  Okay, learn moderation.  Figure out how many carbs you can have in a meal that satiate your desire for them yet don't cause you to feel sluggish.  Figure out what you can do to replace those carbs.  Or, for some of us, maybe it's vegetables.  I can't eat a lot of fresh vegetables because my gut doesn't respond well to fiber.  But I love salads -- so I've figured out how much salad I can have in a sitting, and what not to mix it with (yay IBS for making me think about this sort of thing) -- i.e., I can't have salad and soda in the same sitting.

Then learn what moderation means for you.  Even though my body is a peculiarity -- in that I lose weight when I eat rather than when I cut calories out of my meal plan (and yes, there is a scientific explanation for why this happens) -- I don't believe in cutting out entire food groups.  Partially because I know that's just asking for a binge to occur down the road, but partially because I know how unhappy that makes you (both you and your body).

And then learn about what it feels like when you need something (salt, fat, sugar) rather than just wanting it.

This probably all sounds very odd to those of you who have grown up thinking about dieting, planning on dieting, trying out different diets.  The thing is, for a diet to succeed, it needs to be a lifestyle change.  And I'm pretty sure that most people couldn't survive for the rest of their lives (or at least, a large portion of the rest of their lives) on the Paleo diet, or the Atkins diet, or the Caveman diet, or whatever diet is being advertised this week.

But what I'm saying is something that you can turn into a lifestyle change.  It means that you have to learn about yourself and your body; it means that you have to be in tune with your body, which seems to be something that many people in our culture today want to avoid.  It means that you have to be willing to ask yourself, "Am I not giving my body the nutrients it needs?"  It means that you have to be willing to do some introspection, however painful that may be.  But in my opinion -- which is not expert, by any means, although I have learned a lot from life experiences -- this is the best way to go about not only losing weight, but being happy with your body.

Don't count calories.
Don't cut out entire food groups.

Eat with moderation.
Eat with understanding and knowledge.

And exercise as you see fit.  Currently I don't need to exercise to lose weight, but if I exercise (and keep my intake appropriately increased), I lose weight with more regularity.  I'm not saying run 5 miles a day -- unless you want to.  I'm not saying spend 4 hours lifting weights -- unless you want to.  But when you do exercise, eat to compensate.  Jack up your protein and carb intake if you're exercising.  You might be surprised at the changes that will occur -- fat may turn to lean muscle, so you won't actually lose scale weight, but you'll trim down whatever fat to muscle and therefore you will be smaller.  You may actually weigh more, if fat --> lean muscle... but you'll be smaller in size, stronger, and healthier (and as a side benefit, you'll also passively burn more calories).

I hope this makes some sense and isn't just me rambling on about something that works for me but never would ever work for anyone else.  I'm sure I'll be revisiting this topic.

Cheers,
Addison.

Writing as therapy.

I have always been interested in writing.  I remember when my family got our very first computer; it was a Macintosh Apple, and at the time, it cost a few thousand dollars.  I don't really remember much about it except that I was too short to turn it on manually, so my dad installed a set of switches on the computer desk that he custom-built for it.

Why am I harking back to that time in my life -- a good 20+ years ago?  Well, because that's when I first began to love writing.  At first, I only typed using my index fingers, but even without typing "properly," I was able to churn out stories much faster than I was able to do so by hand (which had held me back prior to that).

From margokelley.net

The first stories I remember writing were about dogs.  I really wish I could get my hands on the hard drive of that old Mac, because I'd love to reread some of my earliest fiction.  I'm sure it was horrible, but it entertained me to no end.  I don't remember how much time per day I was allotted for computer time, but I remember having folders upon folders of short stories, all in various stages of completion.

And then I discovered the magical, wonderful world of Redwall -- a fantasy series written by Brian Jacques, wherein animals (such as mice, squirrels, rabbits/hares, and weasels) played the main roles.  After I read the first few books in the series, I began to write Redwall fanfiction -- although at the time, I had no idea that fanfic was even "a thing."

In the 20 years since I first discovered Redwall, aside from a few early years of writing fanfic, I have not delved back into that type of writing.  However, I very much love to write, and in fact, if I don't write something in a day, it feels as though I've missed a very valuable part of the day.  That something could be a response to a thought-provoking post on one of the multitude of forums where I am a member; it could be a typed up journal entry; it could be a rough first draft of a poem; it could be a handwritten journal entry; it could be a blog post.

I think if I were to thank my parents for just one thing, I would thank them for instilling in me a love of reading -- because for me, reading led quite naturally to me writing.  To this day, I still love to read, and -- as aforementioned -- writing is a very integral part of who I am.

And now, as a therapist, I can use writing as therapy, whether for others, or for my own healing.  Even if I don't bring it into my work with kids, it's still something that -- for me, personally -- brings a lot of satisfaction, joy, and sometimes even peace.  It depends what I write about, of course -- therapeutic writing is generally not terribly pleasant, but the end result is worth it.  Feelings of peace, of cleanliness, or even just relief from whatever it is that has been on my mind -- that's all worth it to me.

From becomingwhoyouare.net

There was a book I read awhile ago (perhaps 5 years ago?), about the use of metaphor in healing.  I don't really think I took much away from it at the time... but in the past few months, I've started writing short stories that metaphorically relate to painful parts of my life.  I guess they're somewhat allegorical in nature.  And it truly is healing, although in a somewhat roundabout way.  There is one that I just wrote today; I am considering polishing it up a bit (that's the editor in me!) and then perhaps posting it somewhere -- not for critiquing, since I don't intend on publishing it anywhere -- but just to share and see if anyone else gets anything out of it.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, except to suggest that maybe you can try writing, if you're feeling stuck, sad, alone...  You don't have to be perfect to use writing as a means to bring about healing for you or those you care about.  Grammar and spelling don't have to be perfect.  As long as you write from your heart, from your soul -- that's all you need.

Go ahead.  Try it.  I know people who are too afraid to write -- afraid that the wrong people will access whatever is written down* -- afraid that their writing won't be deemed good enough -- afraid that they'll fail before they even start.  But if you don't start, if you don't challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone and "just write" -- then you'll never get past those messages in your head of "I can't do this" or "I'm not good enough" or "everyone is going to judge me."

Just try.  Trying is all I can ask of anyone -- including myself.  Writing can be scary, especially if, in the past, you've been told that you don't have the skills to write by a teacher, a professor, a parent.  But you can teach yourself to view writing in a totally different way -- if you just pick up the pen (or pencil) and start.  Maybe you could even start with something relatively innocuous -- something not terribly personal.  Perhaps an essay on current events, or a story that you could read to kids, if there are any in your life.

Try it.  Dive into the world of words.  I can't promise you that it will be as magical for you as it is for me, but then -- if you've never tried, you'll never know.  And if you have bad memories associated with writing, then -- when you are ready -- replace those bad memories with good ones.

From fanpop.com

Cheering you all on,
Addison.

* I know that this is a valid fear for many people out there, including one of my close friends.  However, there are ways around this.  Have a password-protected Word document on your computer.  Have a private/locked blog where only you can write, and you can choose who can see what.  Create a Gmail account, keep the password private, and open up a Google doc and write there.  If you don't have regular access to a computer/internet, then have a notebook that you can keep with you at all times.  You can mix up your serious writing in the notebook with mundane things -- shopping lists (or lists of any sort), doodles, etc.  Alternatively, you could keep an art journal, or use other artistic means to express yourself.  E.g., one of my friends is afraid of people finding her personal writing and using it to hurt her (which has happened in the past) -- so instead, she uses photography to capture her everyday life.