People remind me of this sometimes, by bringing up negative things I did in the past. "Hey, remember when you did/said this?" ... "Remember when you reacted like this to this situation?" ... "Remember that one time when...."
It gets old, especially when the person that does it the most is someone very close to me. But at the same time, it's interesting to be able to listen, and acknowledge that yes, I have a hard time with certain things in life -- and then remind whoever is pointing out my flaws, that over the past two and a half years, especially, I have grown and matured quite a lot.
Things I struggle with a lot right now:
- feeling the need to be "perfect" in some areas of my life
- accepting that perfection isn't possible
- the feeling that I am not "good enough" (for what, I don't know)
- accepting that there will be people who are "more than" I will ever be, in any field (e.g., more intelligent, more empathic, more compassionate, more analytical, etc.), and that that is absolutely okay because I'm doing the very best I can with the resources and knowledge that I have at this point in time.
Things that have improved for me over the course of the past two-ish years:
- accepting criticism (although harsh criticism still guts me)
- realizing that I'm not perfect/that I can't be perfect/that no one is perfect (I'm still working on this one!)
- realizing that it's okay that not everyone is like me -- differences are what make life interesting!
- being able to admit that I am wrong (in any aspect of life)
- being able to "own up" to a negative behavior/action and take responsibility for the choices I make.
Things I need to work on (in addition to the first list!):
- realizing that I still have a lot left to work on (oh irony of this statement)
- self-care without having to rely on others to keep me accountable
- realizing that personal attributes such as intelligence, a sense of humor, or beauty are not necessary to still be a human being worthy of love, time, energy, and compassion
- basically, not being so hard on myself about everything.
The reason I titled this post "Learning from the negatives" is because it can be hard to listen to a litany of things that you struggle with, things you need to improve, things that you used to do or say that your friends/family/partner remember vividly (and bring up occasionally)... but within that forest of negative things you do or that you used to do, if you've been serious about working on "becoming your best you," I bet that you can find some strengths.
For example, yes, I struggle when other people are better at something than I am, especially if it's something that I really want to excel at doing. However, even though I still get irritable when my husband beats me at a strategy game, for instance, I am now able to tell him (and myself), "Okay, I need a break, since you've just beaten me 6 or 7 times in a row." (What goes unsaid but is understood is that if we continued to play, I would go beyond my point of tolerance and would probably end up seething.) Do I want to improve? Of course I do! But I also need to be able to recognize that hey, if we continue playing, I'm just going to keep getting angrier and angrier because I'm so competitive and I hate that I can't make my brain think like his brain thinks.
So in that example -- learning from the negative is being able to recognize that yes, while I still get testy if I am not as skilled as someone else is at something I feel I should be able to be good at... I've grown/matured to the point where now I know that I need to take a break. A couple of years ago, I would've kept playing until I ended up so angry I wouldn't have talked to my husband (or, alternatively, I would've lashed out at him).
I have learned over the past couple of years some very important lessons. Two of them are:
1) I need to learn to pick my battles, because there are some that I will never win. If I try to tackle the battles that I won't/can't win, I will just end up angry or frustrated, and I will have solved nothing. (This is especially pertinent when it comes to discussing things with my husband. Sometimes it's because of his concrete thinking that I know I can't "win" -- because my explanations for why I need what I need are not concrete enough for him. And sometimes it's just because of us having different upbringings and different beliefs about some stuff -- e.g., I grew up having a physical done every year. He didn't. Because of that, as an adult, I view having check-ups as being fairly important -- if not yearly, then at least semi-regularly... but he thinks entirely differently than I do and nothing I say will change his mind.)
2) I can learn to respond, rather than react. This is a very, very important lesson -- not just because of the fact I'm a social worker, but it's also pertinent in my personal life. When my husband listed some negative things about me tonight (although they were/are true, it's still not pleasant to listen to them!), I could've chosen to react by lashing out at him and tell him to "stop being historical."* Or, alternatively, I could respond by sitting back and processing what he said, before saying anything. Thankfully, I chose the latter (and later asked him to list two positives about me, since he self-admits that it is easier for him to criticize than to compliment).
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| From socialworkhelper.com |
* "Being historical" is a phrase that my husband and I learned in premarital counseling. Basically, what it means is that when an argument occurs, instead of sticking to the actual current events that are causing the argument to occur, one or both of the people involved in the argument will start pulling from the past. An example of an argument that is historical is as follows:
Wife: I can't believe that you didn't gas up the car today! You know I hate it when the gas tank goes below a quarter full, and I have to leave really early tomorrow morning!
Husband: I was really busy with work and didn't think to.
Wife: How could you not think to? The gas station is right on your way home from work and I've told you time and again to please gas the car up when the tank is low. Remember that time that I had to drive to a conference and because the cat was sick and you forgot to take him to the vet's the day before as I'd scheduled, I was late leaving since I had to go pick up his medicine... and I ran out of gas three miles outside of town since you didn't gas the car up?
Husband: Honey, that was four years ago...
Wife: I don't care!! You still need to take responsibility for the gas tank when you've had the car last and you know I have to leave early and drive a lot the next day!
Okay, granted, that's a little bit of a silly example... but hopefully you get the picture. (And yes, it is an entirely made up argument... while my husband and I have had our share of silly arguments, thankfully we've never argued about filling up the gas tank in our car!!)
Over and out for the night~
Addison.
Addison.
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